Just as Sane as I Am

My most recent visit to the clinic thankfully went well, other than a long wait for an ultrasound. I saw my first male doctor in this group, and he was one of the first people to not treat me like I’m an idiot. He explained what everything meant, which was refreshing, and even seemed annoyed that I hadn’t been told certain things. Thanks for finally being on my side, someone. Also, though he struggled to find my ovaries, he did manage both of them after he took his time. He seemed absolutely appalled that someone had sent me away without finding one last week. I felt awfully validated. Later that day, a nurse called me to let me know that all of my levels were right on target. Keep with estrogen 3x daily and start progesterone shots on the 26, as planned. Oh, those dreaded words. Progesterone shots. The most terrifying  part of this whole thing. The thing that my doctor told me on day 1 would really hurt, that women in the social media groups I’m part of lament on the regular. ...

Fourteen years ago, on my first visit overseas to meet my future husband's family, his father unexpectedly had a heart attack and passed away. It was quite the introduction to everyone, it has to be said. Shocking, devastating, but I was glad I could be there for my at-the-time boyfriend. Not long after that, my mother in law went to see a medium who told her that her late husband would leave white feathers for her when he was visiting. She did see a few around that year at apt times in meaningful places. Years later, after a few months of marriage, my husband and I were looking for our first house together. We went hunting a few days, not long, before we found one that we were pretty sure we liked. We put a bid on it that was accepted, but there was still another house I wanted to see. Also, my parents, with whom I am very close, hadn't had the chance to see it. The weekend after our acceptance, we went to see the other house I was interested in, and I was unsure if I li...

Estrogen pills began Sunday after blood work and ultrasound. (The blood work that morning was PAINFUL. It took awhile to find a vein they could get into, and it kept ducking out of the way when they did. A huge, ugly bruise formed there later that day.) Taking those twice a day, and they really haven't made any difference in my emotions, thankfully. No depression like with the injections. Hallelujah. Had to go to the clinic early in the morning yesterday for more blood work and ultrasound. Due to the existing arm bruise, we used my right arm for taking blood. While the phlebotomist got the vein easily (a small miracle), it still bruised, I guess just based on the placement. At least I'm symmetrical now. I had to wait ten minutes or so before I was shown to my ultrasound room. I'm used the process there; undress from the waist down, sit on the bed, cover up with the thin paper blanket they leave folded up for you. I bring a book and sit there in as much dignity as I can ...

It's been a hot minute since I've written, I know. Things have been moving a lot more slowly the last week or two, but they're starting to pick up again, so here we are. Back at our respective computer screens, typing or reading away. I think most people reading this already know that we got some good news a week after we found out that five of our eggs had fertilized. I reached out on Facebook and asked for lots of prayers, and we got them from all over the country, from all different faiths, from all different people. It was, as much of this has been, truly humbling to see how many are willing to help in a time of need. I just needed for all of those embryos to make it to the blastocyst stage. I couldn't take the prospect of having to wait another  month and go through another  retrieval cycle. The thought of having to depress myself with all that estrogen again... Not a fun one. There's enough injecting myself ahead without  adding that. On Saturday the 1, al...

Let me begin by thanking you, dear readers. I can't believe how many of you are still slogging through this muck with me. And that, despite how cracked out I sound at times, you're still supporting me. It's humbling. It's beautiful to know that, when you're at your lowest, your friends can swarm to support you. Moving on. Over the weekend, I had a bunch of questions about what was going to happen next. I have a sharps container that's filling up; where does that go? What do I do with this shit ton of medication I have left over taking up room in my fridge? More importantly, I'm preemptively worrying about progesterone. I know it's a hormone that everyone who goes through any fertility process has to take in some form. A lot of times, and probably what it will end up being for me, it's painful injections. They're different from the last ones I took; those just went anywhere in your stomach, where as progesterone is intramuscular. It's al...

Warning: this entry gets a little judgey at times. Please try not to think less of me. If you think you'll hate how judgey I am, just skip it. Thanks. Today (Sunday the 25) is the first time I feel I can breathe in the last two weeks. Granted, I did just cover my ears while on a train to NYC because there are some small children sitting in front of me and a woman behind me telling her friend that her son is expecting and isn’t that exciting and it’s so wonderful that she’s going to be a grandmother. And at breakfast this morning we sat next to a couple and their infant, noticed that they just shoved a phone in the kid’s face and didn’t talk to him, and then, when the female half of the couple stood up, saw that she had a large baby bump. (Not that I’m judging people who use their phones to entertain their kids. Except I am. Sorry if that’s you. It’s not what I plan on doing. I work with too many 13 year old kids who can’t have a conversation since all they know how to do is use t...

Hands down. Longest, most stressful, most eventful week of my life. Two weeks. We can count from the decision to even go with IVF Tuesday the 6.  This past Tuesday, I got up early and went in for my blood test and ultra sound. I was sad. It was like admitting defeat. Right, my body won’t let me make a baby with my partner of 15 years. And we’re literally the most perfect couple in existence. Not to toot my own horn or anything. I had a different phlebotomist, Rich, and thankfully he was amazing. Got it in one. That was a small miracle. I cried through my ultrasound. Doctor said everything looked good. As long as my medication came and my blood test came back normal, then yes, I could get started that night.  Of course, because of how fast this all happened, I didn’t even know what the prescribed medication was or how to take it. My doctor had a nurse who’s not mine meet with me. She seemed unhappy with me that I hadn’t read my calendar or watched my videos that I...

Today. Today was a day that I can't even believe happened. I'm sitting on the couch wondering who was punking me and whether or not today will show up reality TV at some point. It certainly feels like it. My IVF cycle is scheduled to start TOMORROW. I found out that it was going to happen just six days ago, and now it's here. This has moved so quickly it's unbelievable. Thanks, Mother Nature! What has happened since Saturday night: I got my period on Saturday at 5pm. I need to go get monitored on Day 3 of my cycle. When you get it at 5pm, is that day 1 or not? Would I need to go in on Monday or Tuesday? This would make a difference because of the copious amounts of hormones I will need to take, both through pills and shots (that I'm going to have to administer myself). They have to be shipped from a pharmacy in Massachusetts, and I'm not sure they'd be able to get here in time to start treatment on Monday. (This is recap. Sorry.) Spoke to someone...