In the Beginning and the Boring Health Stuff
But I’m not writing this for you. I’m writing this for me. I’ve been bottling up a lot for a long time,
and it’s exhausting.
and it’s exhausting.
It’s also unfair to a lot of people - to you, because of how I may have treated you, to me,
for not letting you know why, to me again, for the stress it’s putting me under, and to Jon (my poor,
unfortunate husband!), who does sometimes have to listen to all of this when it explodes out.
for not letting you know why, to me again, for the stress it’s putting me under, and to Jon (my poor,
unfortunate husband!), who does sometimes have to listen to all of this when it explodes out.
Time to share the burden.
If you’re reading this, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to peek into my crazy. I’m sorry if it’s a
bit blunt, but I’m taking the filter off.
bit blunt, but I’m taking the filter off.
I’m REALLY sorry if it feels personal because, I promise, none of it is. It’s all an internal struggle.,
One of the struggliest (oooh, I like that word- I meant it just as an amped up version of struggle, but it
turned into a combo of ugly and struggle, which this definitely is) parts of all this is how out of control
my emotions feel. I preach to my students all the time that, though you may not be able to control your
emotions, you can control your reactions. This issue, though, is one that I find it gosh-darn near
impossible to control my reactions to at times.
turned into a combo of ugly and struggle, which this definitely is) parts of all this is how out of control
my emotions feel. I preach to my students all the time that, though you may not be able to control your
emotions, you can control your reactions. This issue, though, is one that I find it gosh-darn near
impossible to control my reactions to at times.
Geez Louise, Shauna. Get to the point already.
I’m nothing if not verbose.
The short of it is Jon and I are struglying (I’m using it forever now) with infertility.
The long of it?
Buckle up, buttercups. Get yourself a huge mug of coffee or a big glass of wine or whatever you like to
read with. It’s going to be quite the ride.
read with. It’s going to be quite the ride.
In the Beginning and the Boring Health Stuff
I am not the world’s girliest girl. Feminine? Yes. Girly girl? No. As a child, I never fantasized about my
wedding. I never cooed over babies. (I have recently seen a lot of little girls behave this way, and it
made me realize how much of a thing this is. Maybe I didn’t do it because I’m an only child and didn’t
have any baby siblings to practice on? I’m not sad I missed it, didn’t even realize I had until recently. I
still don’t coo over babies. That’s how I talk to my cats, not small humans. But I digress.)
wedding. I never cooed over babies. (I have recently seen a lot of little girls behave this way, and it
made me realize how much of a thing this is. Maybe I didn’t do it because I’m an only child and didn’t
have any baby siblings to practice on? I’m not sad I missed it, didn’t even realize I had until recently. I
still don’t coo over babies. That’s how I talk to my cats, not small humans. But I digress.)
I always knew that I WANTED to have kids, at least in theory. And everyone told me that I would know
when I was ready. That I would FEEL it. There were a lot of years when I didn’t. I worried that there
was something wrong with me for not feeling it. I wondered if I really wanted kids or if it was a societal
expectation pressing in on me. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone if I decided that I didn’t want kids, but
I knew I would.
when I was ready. That I would FEEL it. There were a lot of years when I didn’t. I worried that there
was something wrong with me for not feeling it. I wondered if I really wanted kids or if it was a societal
expectation pressing in on me. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone if I decided that I didn’t want kids, but
I knew I would.
Then I had the lightbulb moment. It was nothing that anyone else said or did, except it kind of was.
Because someone said something to me, and instead of feeling happy, I felt completely, inexplicably
angry.
Because someone said something to me, and instead of feeling happy, I felt completely, inexplicably
angry.
And that was when I knew. Like, oh crap, I want kids now. Why am I not pregnant already?
I was overwhelmed with emotions that I did not expect and that I did not like. More about them later.
But trust that, when the moment happened, my hormones and body made the decision that they
wanted to have a baby. THERE IS NO LOGIC TO THIS. I have tried to logic myself into normalcy many
times. (You’ll see proof of that later.) This is a biological need that sprang out of seemingly nowhere.
Some of you have probably experienced it, and some of you haven’t, but it is real. Try to understand
that if you haven’t felt it yourself.
But trust that, when the moment happened, my hormones and body made the decision that they
wanted to have a baby. THERE IS NO LOGIC TO THIS. I have tried to logic myself into normalcy many
times. (You’ll see proof of that later.) This is a biological need that sprang out of seemingly nowhere.
Some of you have probably experienced it, and some of you haven’t, but it is real. Try to understand
that if you haven’t felt it yourself.
An added complication, and a very slight TMI warning (although if this is TMI, I implore you, STOP
READING NOW, because there will be way more I(nformation) later): I was on birth control pills from
the time I was about 15. They were prescribed for dysmenorrhea (re: cramps that are so severe that I
sometimes threw up or passed out and had to miss school). I stayed on them to avoid that reoccurring,
and at my annual physical each year, the doctor always told me to stay on them. Furthermore, I started
a new pack of pills every three weeks so that I didn’t even get a period. For nearly 15 years. This
sounds completely insane to most people, and I’ve been questioned approximately 4.3 billion times
about it, but my doctor assured me that it was perfectly healthy, and none of the health professionals I
have seen since were alarmed by it.
READING NOW, because there will be way more I(nformation) later): I was on birth control pills from
the time I was about 15. They were prescribed for dysmenorrhea (re: cramps that are so severe that I
sometimes threw up or passed out and had to miss school). I stayed on them to avoid that reoccurring,
and at my annual physical each year, the doctor always told me to stay on them. Furthermore, I started
a new pack of pills every three weeks so that I didn’t even get a period. For nearly 15 years. This
sounds completely insane to most people, and I’ve been questioned approximately 4.3 billion times
about it, but my doctor assured me that it was perfectly healthy, and none of the health professionals I
have seen since were alarmed by it.
What I was not prepared for was how long it would take for my period to return once I went off the pills.
I spoke to so many people who went off birth control and got pregnant the following month. Should have
been a piece of cake, right?
I spoke to so many people who went off birth control and got pregnant the following month. Should have
been a piece of cake, right?
Wrong. I did not get a period for about six months after I stopped taking the pill. In fact, I didn’t get a
period until I find a new gynecologist (mine retired, and finding a new person to show your lady parts
off to is annoying/traumatizing enough without having your body tell you, “It’s time to have a baby
already! What are you waiting for?”) and took several rounds of Clomid. Initially, this hormone worked,
and I got my period. (One of the few times in my life where I was excited for this to happen! Although,
side note, not more horrific cramps. So that’s one in the positive column.) Then it became irregular, so I
had to take more Clomid. (Irregular periods do not make for good conception planning.)
period until I find a new gynecologist (mine retired, and finding a new person to show your lady parts
off to is annoying/traumatizing enough without having your body tell you, “It’s time to have a baby
already! What are you waiting for?”) and took several rounds of Clomid. Initially, this hormone worked,
and I got my period. (One of the few times in my life where I was excited for this to happen! Although,
side note, not more horrific cramps. So that’s one in the positive column.) Then it became irregular, so I
had to take more Clomid. (Irregular periods do not make for good conception planning.)
THEN, after several months of normalcy, a horrible thing happened. I had severe pain in my right side
one night, so bad that I thought it might be appendicitis and had my terrified husband call 911. Turned
out I had a dermoid cyst that was 7 centimeters, THE SIZE OF AN ORANGE, on my right ovary. The
pain resulted from the fact that it was TWISTING my ovary.
one night, so bad that I thought it might be appendicitis and had my terrified husband call 911. Turned
out I had a dermoid cyst that was 7 centimeters, THE SIZE OF AN ORANGE, on my right ovary. The
pain resulted from the fact that it was TWISTING my ovary.
It took a few hours of testing, and a whole heap of pain, to get this figured out - and then the hospital
wanted to send me home! Even though they told me I was at risk of LOSING that ovary if the twisting
continued and resulted in loss of blood flow.
“But don’t worry,” the nurses and doctors told me. “It’s still possible to have a baby with just one ovary.”
This was not the first stupid and painful thing anyone has said to me about pregnancy. Again, more
about that later. Suffice it to say, that was definitely not what a woman who has been trying to conceive
for a year and a half and who is laying on a hospital bed in a tremendous amount of pain, who has just
had an internal ultrasound and TWO internal exams performed on her wants to hear.
about that later. Suffice it to say, that was definitely not what a woman who has been trying to conceive
for a year and a half and who is laying on a hospital bed in a tremendous amount of pain, who has just
had an internal ultrasound and TWO internal exams performed on her wants to hear.
I’m sure it is possible to conceive with just one ovary. And I’m just as sure that it doesn’t make an
already difficult process any easier.
already difficult process any easier.
A lot of people want to know if this cyst, which, after much insisting, was removed with emergency
surgery that night, had anything to do with the difficulties we’re having with conception. Well, it wasn’t
there when we started trying, and it hasn’t been there since May, and we’re still having no luck, so I’m
going to go out on a limb and say no.
surgery that night, had anything to do with the difficulties we’re having with conception. Well, it wasn’t
there when we started trying, and it hasn’t been there since May, and we’re still having no luck, so I’m
going to go out on a limb and say no.
The next medical step was a semen analysis for my husband. (I won’t get too graphic here, but just
think about what women have to go through to figure out their issues - multiple internal exams by
multiple people, sometimes a couple of surgeries - vs. what men have to go through - sitting alone in a
room with a cup and some magazines. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.) Not for nothing, but these tests
have been rather confusing. The first had a few numbers out of the ordinary, so there was a second.
After that one, even though there were still some out of the ordinary numbers, we were told that they
were probably not what was causing our issues, and we were finally referred to a fertility specialist.
think about what women have to go through to figure out their issues - multiple internal exams by
multiple people, sometimes a couple of surgeries - vs. what men have to go through - sitting alone in a
room with a cup and some magazines. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.) Not for nothing, but these tests
have been rather confusing. The first had a few numbers out of the ordinary, so there was a second.
After that one, even though there were still some out of the ordinary numbers, we were told that they
were probably not what was causing our issues, and we were finally referred to a fertility specialist.
Boy! That only took a year and a half!
(Okay. Maybe I wasn’t aggressive enough. But something no one teaches you in elementary school is
how long you should wait while trying to conceive before you go to a specialist. I know people who have
tried to conceive for 5+ years. In comparison, a year and a half seems like nothing. Of course, age is a
factor, but again, no clear cut rules. And I don’t like seeming like an idiot, so I didn’t ask anyone about
this.)
how long you should wait while trying to conceive before you go to a specialist. I know people who have
tried to conceive for 5+ years. In comparison, a year and a half seems like nothing. Of course, age is a
factor, but again, no clear cut rules. And I don’t like seeming like an idiot, so I didn’t ask anyone about
this.)
We had to wait about a month before we could get an appointment with the specialist we wanted. Note:
every month that you have to wait is painfully felt. Every 28 days seems like an eternity. And women’s
bodies are really good at reminding them of when that 28 day cycle comes to an end. So trying to forget
about things only works for 2-3 weeks before you get nature’s reminder.
every month that you have to wait is painfully felt. Every 28 days seems like an eternity. And women’s
bodies are really good at reminding them of when that 28 day cycle comes to an end. So trying to forget
about things only works for 2-3 weeks before you get nature’s reminder.
In other words, making the appointment and hearing that we had to wait ANOTHER month before we
could even start to ask questions, let alone get answers, hurt.
could even start to ask questions, let alone get answers, hurt.
I guess the initial appointment wasn’t so bad. It was long. I was not prepared for sitting in a doctors’
office for 3 hours. There was a urine sample and a long conversation and yet another internal exam
(men, take my word for it, these are among the most unpleasant things that women can go through, and
women, if you don’t feel that way, I am super jealous of you, but they suck a lot for me) and 8 vials of
blood taken from each of us. (Aside: my veins are incredibly uncooperative. When I get blood taken, I
usually get stuck with 4-5 needles before anything is found. I have been known to pass out.) Then we
left with some ideas of what to do next, but no definite plan.
office for 3 hours. There was a urine sample and a long conversation and yet another internal exam
(men, take my word for it, these are among the most unpleasant things that women can go through, and
women, if you don’t feel that way, I am super jealous of you, but they suck a lot for me) and 8 vials of
blood taken from each of us. (Aside: my veins are incredibly uncooperative. When I get blood taken, I
usually get stuck with 4-5 needles before anything is found. I have been known to pass out.) Then we
left with some ideas of what to do next, but no definite plan.
Three days later, I got my period, and what that meant was three days after that, I had to go back in to
get my three day levels taken. The third day of my cycle turned out to be on a Monday (cuz those aren’t
unpleasant enough on their own), as well as the day after one of my closest friend’s weddings. I had to
get up at 5 am, drink no coffee (and coffee is my only vice in life, I mean, besides cookie dough), drive
25 minutes, and give another urine sample, blood sample, and have another internal exam.
get my three day levels taken. The third day of my cycle turned out to be on a Monday (cuz those aren’t
unpleasant enough on their own), as well as the day after one of my closest friend’s weddings. I had to
get up at 5 am, drink no coffee (and coffee is my only vice in life, I mean, besides cookie dough), drive
25 minutes, and give another urine sample, blood sample, and have another internal exam.
Seriously. Just three days after I had done the exact same thing. And all of those tests seemed to give
us the same conclusions - everything is working just fine. (Yup. Both times. Everything was fine both
times. Glad I had everything redone twice for the same non-conclusion.)
us the same conclusions - everything is working just fine. (Yup. Both times. Everything was fine both
times. Glad I had everything redone twice for the same non-conclusion.)
Shouldn’t hearing this have felt like a relief? Absolutely. Did it? No. It just felt like there were no answers
and no hope of getting any.
and no hope of getting any.
I mentioned this to my doctor. She said that most people never know why they have infertility issues.
Medicine is such a precise science. (I know it’s necessary, and I’m not saying it’s invaluable, it just
doesn’t help feel better some of the time. No offense, doctors. I’m sure it’s frustrating for you, too, when
you can’t find the answers.)
doesn’t help feel better some of the time. No offense, doctors. I’m sure it’s frustrating for you, too, when
you can’t find the answers.)
My husband was finally prescribed some antibiotics for the high white blood cell count that was found in
his semen analysis. He was ordered to have a third analysis two weeks later, which showed the blood
cell count was down. But now there’s a concern about the morphology, or shape, of the sperm.
his semen analysis. He was ordered to have a third analysis two weeks later, which showed the blood
cell count was down. But now there’s a concern about the morphology, or shape, of the sperm.
We have learned more about this in the last 3 months than most people desire to know in a lifetime.
It turns out that you only need 4-14% of sperm to have a normal shape in order for fertility to be good,
and we’re not there according to the last analysis. Of course, it turns out that that changes all the time,
so this week there’s another analysis on the table.
and we’re not there according to the last analysis. Of course, it turns out that that changes all the time,
so this week there’s another analysis on the table.
Last week, I was asked to get a varicella (chicken pox) vaccine booster. My bloodworker did not show
that I was immune, but please note that I’ve never had the chicken pox, despite being exposed to it
multiple times throughout my childhood. If I decided to get the booster, we would have to put everything
on hold for another month. If I decided not to, I would have to sign a waiver. I was STRONGLY URGED
to get the booster, and I felt upset at putting things off for longer, not to mention guilty for going against
what a doctor urged.
that I was immune, but please note that I’ve never had the chicken pox, despite being exposed to it
multiple times throughout my childhood. If I decided to get the booster, we would have to put everything
on hold for another month. If I decided not to, I would have to sign a waiver. I was STRONGLY URGED
to get the booster, and I felt upset at putting things off for longer, not to mention guilty for going against
what a doctor urged.
Then, of course, I realized that if we had conceived naturally, no one would have mentioned this to me,
and I wouldn’t have a recommendation to get it. I wouldn’t be hyper aware of the possible dangers of
possibly getting chicken pox while pregnant. (And what are the odds of that? Oh no, have I cursed
myself by asking? Will the chicken pox gods now come after me?)
and I wouldn’t have a recommendation to get it. I wouldn’t be hyper aware of the possible dangers of
possibly getting chicken pox while pregnant. (And what are the odds of that? Oh no, have I cursed
myself by asking? Will the chicken pox gods now come after me?)
I ended up signing a waiver. I still feel stressed and guilty about this. How many times have people told
me you need to avoid stress when you’re trying to get pregnant? Only about a million. Glad the whole
process involves no stress. Nope. None at all.
me you need to avoid stress when you’re trying to get pregnant? Only about a million. Glad the whole
process involves no stress. Nope. None at all.
Another health fun time we had this week was a genetic analysis. No major issues there; we’re both
carriers for at least one thing (well, I’m a carrier for five, thanks to my Jewish ancestry), but as carriers
there’s a less than 1% chance that any children we have will have any of these diseases, all of which
have names that are completely unpronounceable by anyone who’s not being paid to know how to say
them. We did get a friendly neighborhood reminder of just how much of our family has died of cancer. A
happy trip down memory lane.
carriers for at least one thing (well, I’m a carrier for five, thanks to my Jewish ancestry), but as carriers
there’s a less than 1% chance that any children we have will have any of these diseases, all of which
have names that are completely unpronounceable by anyone who’s not being paid to know how to say
them. We did get a friendly neighborhood reminder of just how much of our family has died of cancer. A
happy trip down memory lane.
Additionally, my mother is a breast cancer survivor. (She hates the term as she had pretty much stage 0
cancer, they caught it so early. She had to go through treatment for it, but it was extremely easily dealt
with.) Due to a combination of this and my Jewish ancestry, it was recommended that we have further
DNA testing to find out… I don’t even know. More medical information? Our future children may possibly
have a disposition for cancer. We live in NJ. Don’t we all? Is that going to stop us from having these
possible future progeny? No. But still - more guilt and stress, and another waiver that we have to sign.
cancer, they caught it so early. She had to go through treatment for it, but it was extremely easily dealt
with.) Due to a combination of this and my Jewish ancestry, it was recommended that we have further
DNA testing to find out… I don’t even know. More medical information? Our future children may possibly
have a disposition for cancer. We live in NJ. Don’t we all? Is that going to stop us from having these
possible future progeny? No. But still - more guilt and stress, and another waiver that we have to sign.
And finally, ovulation. That’s been its own journey.
Someone I know told me how much fun taking ovulation tests is, so I tried that out, initially probably
about a year ago. (Maybe longer?) I was also told by multiple people how well cheapo pregnancy tests
work, so I got the cheapest possible ovulation kits. These tests show you a reference line, and after you
take them, another line appears. If that line is darker than the reference line, you’re ovulating. Do you
know how difficult it is to determine if one line is darker than another? And some days, no line shows up.
So then the next day, when any line at all shows up, you have to wonder. Maybe my LH surge is just
lower than the normal woman’s? WHO KNOWS?
about a year ago. (Maybe longer?) I was also told by multiple people how well cheapo pregnancy tests
work, so I got the cheapest possible ovulation kits. These tests show you a reference line, and after you
take them, another line appears. If that line is darker than the reference line, you’re ovulating. Do you
know how difficult it is to determine if one line is darker than another? And some days, no line shows up.
So then the next day, when any line at all shows up, you have to wonder. Maybe my LH surge is just
lower than the normal woman’s? WHO KNOWS?
I’ve been using the app Clue to track my cycle, and I was taking ovulation tests based on when that
predicted I’d be ovulating. I got a bunch of negative results, and then I was stopping when the app said
I was past the probably ovulation date. I just assumed, sadly, that I wasn’t even ovulating. That would
answer some questions, wouldn’t it?
predicted I’d be ovulating. I got a bunch of negative results, and then I was stopping when the app said
I was past the probably ovulation date. I just assumed, sadly, that I wasn’t even ovulating. That would
answer some questions, wouldn’t it?
Then another coworker urged me to try again, and ignore the app, and try EVERY DAY until I got a
positive result. I shelled out a little more money for a test that gives either an empty circle or a smiley
face, and about 5 days later than Clue predicted, I got my smiley face! Wahoo! I did a lot of dancing
around and jumping for joy that day. Then Jon and I thought maybe our timing had been off this whole
time. Maybe the problem would be solved.
positive result. I shelled out a little more money for a test that gives either an empty circle or a smiley
face, and about 5 days later than Clue predicted, I got my smiley face! Wahoo! I did a lot of dancing
around and jumping for joy that day. Then Jon and I thought maybe our timing had been off this whole
time. Maybe the problem would be solved.
Nope. Not pregnant last month.
This month, at day 10 of my cycle, I had a test where ink is pumped through my ovaries to see if it
would travel easily to my fallopian tubes. (I’m such an amatuer; I don’t remember what this test is called.)
I wasn’t at all nervous about the procedure, as medical professionals and the general public alike both
suggested to me that this test was no big deal. When I went to have it down, however, I was handed
paperwork to sign that said I might experience extreme cramping, bleeding, painful discharge, and I
was going to get anesthesia in my nether regions. Had no idea that was going to happen. In fact, I had
only taken a half day off work. Would I be able to go back to work that afternoon? I started to panic.
would travel easily to my fallopian tubes. (I’m such an amatuer; I don’t remember what this test is called.)
I wasn’t at all nervous about the procedure, as medical professionals and the general public alike both
suggested to me that this test was no big deal. When I went to have it down, however, I was handed
paperwork to sign that said I might experience extreme cramping, bleeding, painful discharge, and I
was going to get anesthesia in my nether regions. Had no idea that was going to happen. In fact, I had
only taken a half day off work. Would I be able to go back to work that afternoon? I started to panic.
The doctors and nurses at that office were extremely kind and gentle. They assured me that the tests
would not be as bad as the paperwork made it seem. Regardless, being in another room with another
contraption with which to prop my legs up and open on while another complete stranger poked around
down there, this time with a needle full of numbing agency and a catheter reduced me to silent tears.
would not be as bad as the paperwork made it seem. Regardless, being in another room with another
contraption with which to prop my legs up and open on while another complete stranger poked around
down there, this time with a needle full of numbing agency and a catheter reduced me to silent tears.
In the end, there was some mild pain, but not much, and the procedure was over very quickly. Once
again, it told us that nothing’s wrong. Everything works. Yay. Actually, what was more exciting was,
again, what I had been told by several people and what a nurse confirmed: this test makes pregnancy
more likely for up to three cycles afterwards. It “clears out the cobwebs,” so to speak. Forces out any
mucus blockages or anything like that.
again, it told us that nothing’s wrong. Everything works. Yay. Actually, what was more exciting was,
again, what I had been told by several people and what a nurse confirmed: this test makes pregnancy
more likely for up to three cycles afterwards. It “clears out the cobwebs,” so to speak. Forces out any
mucus blockages or anything like that.
I was excited, armed with so many anecdotes about people this had made a real difference for. Maybe
this would be our month!
this would be our month!
Except I have been taking ovulation tests every day for the past two weeks, and none of them have
turned up positive. I’m now at around day 26 of my cycle, and it looks like my chickens aren’t going to
lay eggs this month.
turned up positive. I’m now at around day 26 of my cycle, and it looks like my chickens aren’t going to
lay eggs this month.
I e-mailed my fertility nurse about this. Maybe they want to do another internal to see if they can detect
an ovulation. How I thrill at the thought of another super early morning, another unpleasant exam. So
far I haven’t heard back.
an ovulation. How I thrill at the thought of another super early morning, another unpleasant exam. So
far I haven’t heard back.
So what does all this mean medically? Who. Freaking. Knows? I certainly don’t. I’m beginning to think
that no one in medicine does either.
that no one in medicine does either.
Maybe all this medical talk isn’t the most thrilling start to a blog, but I think it’s a decent foundation to
have before we head off into emotion lands. You need the basis for what’s physically going on before
you can understand what it’s doing to my head and my heart.
have before we head off into emotion lands. You need the basis for what’s physically going on before
you can understand what it’s doing to my head and my heart.
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