Where Is Your Next Meal Coming From?

Or the one about breastfeeding. 

Before she has a baby, a pregnant woman is asked repeatedly, “Are you going to breast-feed?” Not “Are you planning to try?” Not “Let me refrain from asking a pretty darn personal question about your boobs.” Just plain “Are you going to breast-feed?”

Because I am so kind and sweet and from New Jersey, my response was always, “I’m going to try it. We’ll see what happens. It’s not a decision you can make right away.” I made lots of friends with that one, as you can imagine.

You hear all this weirdness about nursing. It’s said to be by many one of the most stressful things they ever attempt to do. My assumption was it would be at least mildly painful and take a lot of effort to get a baby to do it properly, and that’s where the stress came from.

But I wanted to give it a try. I don’t know, it just felt like something I should do. Maybe because it’s another natural process. It’s literally something our bodies are designed to do. There’s a lot of woman to woman shaming towards women who don’t breast-feed. I don’t care so much about that, but I probably felt some form of mild societal pressure. 

There’s also the fact that it’s free. No purchasing formula and water to mix it with. No purchasing much of anything. I mean, there are accessories, like the Boppy pillow (an absolute must if you plan on breast-feeding - wait, I mean planning to try) and nipple cream. And nursing bras. And nursing tops. But most of those are reusable, and a decent amount of it can be put on your baby registry and purchased by others. So still free for you.

And then there’s the whole losing weight issue. I’m sure everyone here knows breast-feeding is supposed to help you lose pregnancy weight more quickly than you would otherwise. I read it burns 500 calories; not sure how often that amount gets burned, seeing as you feed 8 to 12 times a day at first. Being a lifetime Weight Watchers member who thinks far too often about where her next meal is coming from and what it is, that was a big selling point for me.

And as I think I noted two or three entries ago, Lily latched onto me well the first time I fed her, within an hour of her being born. She’s never had a problem with that, despite having a tongue tie. (More about that in another entry.) Early on, she even wanted to latch herself on without help. She’d unlatch herself to get back on unassisted. Kind of adorable. So that wasn’t stressful. 

It also hasn’t been particularly painful. The first day, I even noted that to one of the nurses. She said that was because it was day 1 and it would probably get a little tougher. There was a week or two where the latch hurt, but not anymore. So the pain isn’t stressful, either. 

Oh no. The stressful part about nursing is THE DAMN TIME FACTOR. Why is no one with experience out there shouting from the rooftops, “NURSING IS A FULL TIME JOB!” 

Because it is. 

In the hospital, I was told Lily needs to feed every 3-4 hours. She would generally start to cry as she got hungry, so I didn’t have to think about it. Where was I going anyway? I was still mostly laying in bed recovering. Time didn’t fly. I had plenty of minutes to feed her, feed myself, nap, etc. It felt comfortable and easy. 

Then we went to the pediatrician the first few times. (If I’m repeating myself a bit, indulge me.) At our first visit, Lily has lost 10 oz, which was perfectly normal. She was expected to gain 2 oz a day, according to the doctor. We saw her again two days later, and Lily hadn’t gained quite enough. I was instructed to feed her every two hours “from start to start-“ meaning if she started feeding at 1, no matter how long it took, I’d need to feed her again at 3. And at that point, we were looking at possibly 30-45 minute feedings. What exactly are you supposed to get done with your life if you’re only living it in 1 hour 15 minute intervals? 

“Make sure you’re eating healthily. And make sure you’re getting enough rest,” the doctor told me. “That can affect how much milk you produce.”

OH REALLY?! Yeah, I’ll make sure I’m not eating nothing but processed snacks (not) when they’re the most convenient thing to grab by far when I only have 16 minutes to eat because I’m about to pass out from exhaustion because the longest stretch of sleep I can get is about an hour. 

I asked the doctor when I could start using a breast pump and bottlefeeding. She said I could start immediately as long as Jon was the one to give Lily a bottle and never me. Bottles are a lot easier to get milk out of, so if Lily started to associate a bottle with me, she would stop breast-feeding. So now we’ve been alternating feeding her, which means even though she isn’t constantly attached to my body, I do have to sit down with a pump once or twice a day for half an hour or so. 

I did not realize when I got a breast pump that it would not be a hands-free contraption. I had to actually purchase something called a pumping bra that has folds of fabric to put the pumps in if I don’t want to sit around holding two bottles attached to my nipples. At least while I’m doing that I can write in my journal. I can’t go far because the pump needs to be plugged into the wall, but it’s better than nothing.

Nights can be challenging. When we first had to feed Lily every two or three hours, obviously we had to set alarms to go off at 1 AM, three or 3:30, etc. You can breast-feed lying on your side, but I didn’t find that to be the most comfortable. So when I do get up in the middle of the night, it tends to be a production of propping myself up, getting my pillow in place, getting to the proper state of undress, and having Jon bring the baby to me. Thank goodness for smart phones – I can scroll through Facebook and Instagram at stupid hours of the morning like nobody’s business. And I’ve taken to catching up on some Batman comics. Productive. 

Even at that, things can still get painful. If you don’t pump or feed quickly enough, your breasts can fill up with milk and become pretty hard. As she’s 2 months old now, we are letting Lily sleep for longer stretches in the night. The other night, she slept for about five hours before she woke up. I, however, woke up after about an hour of sleep with immense pain in my right breast. I tried to ignore it and sleep. But after two hours of pain, I finally had to get up and try to use a hand pump. Took some Tylenol. Nothing was doing much. After another half hour, I fed her – the pain when she latched on at that point was the worst I’ve had. I literally started crying. Luckily, within a few seconds, it abated, and feeding her did help the engorgement.

Once, weeks ago, I did try using the electric pump at 1 o’clock in the morning. I got almost nothing out of myself. Epic fail.

But the timing. Oh dear god, the timing of a day. By the time I “wake up,” Lily has already eaten once or twice. Then I feed her again. When Jon was still home, we would get out of bed and move to the couch, where I would feed Lily. Now that he’s back to work, I get her out of the bassinet, walk her to my side of the bed, hop into bed and position myself without arms, since they are holding the baby, use one arm to slide my Boppy pillow under her and get to the proper state of undress, and then have a short feeding. It’s a bit like a slapstick comedy routine, but it’s getting better.

After Lily eats, I usually manage to have my own breakfast. She usually wants to eat again not long after that. Some days I do manage to get a full face of make up on. If we have plans to go out, I have to feed her again before we leave.

Luckily, Lily sleeps the vast majority of the time we are out of the house. It makes going places easy since she isn’t fidgety or fussy. Sometimes she sleeps for so long, though, it makes us nervous. Once or twice, she’s napped for about four hours, and I have had to take her out of the stroller to feed her while she is still asleep. (I wrote some of this a few weeks ago; now we’re used to her four hour naps in the afternoon.)

Nursing in public is a whole other thing. Luckily, it has just become legal in all 50 states. It still makes me feel a little awkward, though. I’m not one to parade around in a state of partial undress. At first, I really wanted to find private spots for feeding. I figured I’d head to a bathroom when Lily wanted to eat. However, one day we were at Aldi, and Lily needed lunch. I was going to run to the bathroom when I had the sudden thought – where was I going to sit? What was I going to do, sit on the toilet with her? Not exactly. So I left Jon with the groceries, and I ran out to the car with the stroller. I had to put the car seat in the car, leave the rest of the stroller outside, get in the car myself, and get Lily out of the car seat and into my lap. I didn’t have my Boppy with me, so I had to contort into a weird position to make sure she could eat. Yes, I was covered with a scarf, but I was still conscious of anyone who walked past the car. 

Since then, I started bringing the Boppy with me whenever we leave the house. I have fed Lily in the car a few more times, but it’s never super comfortable. I’m really appreciative of stores like Target that have a nursing room. Recently though, I was at a craft fair in a big convention center. Lily slept the whole time, which ended up being four hours. I wanted to feed her before we sat in traffic going home. Now it’s gotten far too cold to feed in the car.

So I bit the bullet and settled into a table that was set up in an unobtrusive corner. I couldn’t believe really how easy it was to feed her. I even had people I know run into us and ask where the baby was even though she was on my lap! That was a huge hurdle to overcome. Since then, I’ve fed her in restaurants at our dinner tables, in the corridor of an office building, pretty much wherever. It’s becoming part of our routine.

The newest challenge is knowing how much to feed Lily. When you bottle feed, you know exactly how much your baby is eating. When nursing, you obviously can’t tell how many ounces she’s taking it in. You also can’t always tell whether she’s eating or just soothing herself. Babies do become more efficient at nursing, so the amount of time they need to do so gets shorter. That said, Lily nurses anywhere from 5 to 50 minutes these days. Yes. Sometimes, she spends almost an hour sucking away at my boobs. It is possible to break the latch, but sometimes she seems to want to keep eating. And sometimes it’s more like she’s using me like a pacifier. I’m getting better at calling it in terms of the feedings, but I’m still never 100% sure she’s getting enough. 

At least her weight gain seems on track. 

Like everything, we’re figuring it out. Every day it’s more routine. 

So I’m going to try not to get ahead of myself by thinking about how this all changes when I go back to work!