How Are You Feeling?
This seems to be the #1 question people ask when you're pregnant. Instead of the polite, colloquial, "How are you?" (which, if we're honest, no one actually wants an answer to anyway; if you're having a bad day and you say so, people look at you like you have six or seven heads because you're just supposed to say, "Good, how are you?" and no one wants to hear about why you might not be feeling great), you get a knowing sort of look and a "How are you feeling?" with a tone of voice that intimates that you're special and they know it.
What are you supposed to say to this? "I mostly feel exactly the same except for the days where my skin feels like it's going to burst because it's stretched to its max"? "I've been having emotional outbursts over things like icing and baseball games, and everyone wants to write it off as hormonal surges, but I know I can be totally irrational when I'm not pregnant, and I'd prefer it if everyone didn't blame my craziness on this, although it might be a result of growing another human"? "I'm still waiting for the burst of energy I read about in the second trimester, but for now I'm taking longer naps than ever cuz I am wiped at the end of the day"?
Of course not. Everyone wants you to give a glowing, winning smile, and say, "I feel great!" Which is pretty much true, it just gets annoying. I don't need special treatment for being pregnant. I promise.
(And I don't need everyone to tell me, "Just enjoy it," either. You want to treat me like I'm special? Cook dinner for me or something useful. Don't give me a simpy look like I'm such a better person now that my body has decided to function (with the assistance of science, don't forget). While this will change my life, if won't make me a better or worse human; it doesn't make those who can't have kids worse, and it doesn't make those who choose not to have kids worse. It doesn't make me special for being part of some mommy club. It's just another step in the human journey.)
By the way, this entry is going to get more political and soap boxy later, so if that's not your cup of tea, you might want to read the next bit about my doctor and bail out when I hit the subject of maternity leave.
Speaking of things I'm feeling, towards the end of week 17, I was sitting on the couch on a Saturday night when I felt something bubbly in my stomach. I thought maybe it was just digestion, but I felt it a fair few times for the next hour or so, which is longer than that feeling would normally go on. Plus it was just slightly different. I knew it was early; according to readings, you're supposed to start feeling your baby between 18-22 weeks, and the later half of that if it's your first pregnancy. I also read the smaller you are, the earlier/more distinctly you might feel your baby, and while I'm not a stick and have always put in effort to keep my weight down, I'm not huge. Plus, there's also that caveat, every pregnancy is different. My friend, who has an almost 2 year old, was over, and when I described what I was feeling, she confirmed, "Yup. That's probably the baby."
I continued to have that feeling for the next couple of days. It hasn't been quite as frequent in the last week or so, but it's coming back. Of course, I'm now in my 20th week, halfway through the pregnancy. (Wow.) So I should be feeling more at this point.
I went to the OB two days after I had the first flutter, and I was still having the feels at that point. Same typical quick visit. When the doctor checked her heartbeat with the doppler, we got it for a second or two before it died away.
"She's moving," the doctor laughed, moving the sensor and picking up the heart beat again. "You'll start to feel that soon."
"Oh, I already have," I told him.
"No," he replied shortly. "You couldn't have. It's too early. It's 18-20 weeks if it's not your first pregnancy, but if it is, it's more like 20-22 weeks."
Well, thank you Mr. Text Book. That's information I wasn't aware of, she said sarcastically. And also, when was the last time you had a baby? When were you a pregnant woman? I understand it's your job to treat pregnant woman (which makes it sound like we have a disease), but I'm willing to bet that you never were one, so telling me what I'm physically feeling is a little insulting.
I know. This is why so many women only have female OBs.
Starting to feel the baby has been the most fun I've had with this, though. I will say that.
I've also started showing, which has been more fun. About two weeks ago, I discovered another pair of pants in the closet that didn't fit, but I secured them with a hair tie, as literally all women I've spoken to who've had kids told me to do. My husband mentioned this to my mom, and that afternoon, she took me out to get some maternity clothes. I am now living in two pairs of pants; one pair of jeans and one pair of black, and several pairs of leggings. I got a few maternity shirts, and I like the way they fit, but I do still wear regular tops, too.
The first day I wore a maternity outfit out, I thought I looked super cute and super preggers. Throughout the day, though, I caught glimpses of myself in windows and decided I wasn't quite as big as I thought, probably still not noticeable if you didn't know me before. I did have one store clerk ask me when I'm due, but I was buying a beautiful necklace that relates to motherhood (pictured here with its meaning and price, so you can all see how crazy I am if you really want to, but I kind of had to have it; not my first piece from this particular designer, and I love how tactile their stuff is) and touching my stomach constantly. And probably talking about being pregnant with my mom.
The next day, I wore an outfit to work, and I was fully expecting the students I have who I haven't told about the pregnancy to start asking about it - but they didn't. In fact, it's a week and a half later, and not only have they not said anything, but I haven't caught any of them giving me the strange "Are you pregnant?" stare, either. I love teaching middle school, but I often forget just how much your world revolves around yourself when you're 13 and how you don't notice changes in others. My coteacher keeps asking me if I'm going to tell the kids, but the ones who don't know yet are the ones I'm not as close with, and I just feel awkward blurting it out out of nowhere. I figure they'll get it at some point.
Besides, if any of them out and out ask me, I can use it as a teachable moment to get on my soap box and preach to them about how you shouldn't ever ask a woman if she's pregnant. I won't rant on that now. I've done that before.
Another question people bombard you with when you're pregnant is some variation of how much time you're taking off from work. Like that's a decision I get to make on my own. I knew it was something I had to discuss with my union to fully understand, and it took two weeks or so to get in touch with the secretary there who deals with this.
And then I was in for some fun surprises.
I won't lie. I've been knowing the good ole' US of A doesn't have the world's greatest policies when it comes to having kids. I've heard about the wonders of how good it is in Europe. I'm married to someone from Great Britain. Last week, my sister and brother in law and two nephews were visiting from overseas. My sister in law told me when she had her 21 year old, the maternity leave policy was 6 weeks. By the time she had her 16 year old, it was up to 12 weeks. These days, people in the UK get a full year of paid maternity leave, as well as a year of unpaid maternity leave.
So all of that was bubbling in the back of my brain as I had a conversation involving the measly six weeks we're "entitled" to in NJ for having a baby.
Let's start with the fact that six weeks of maternity leave is a lie. I can't speak to all employers in NJ. I can't even speak to all school districts. I don't know if this is only where I work or if this is a wider spread problem. But you're "entitled" to up to four weeks of leave before you give work and six weeks after you give birth, eight if you have a C Section.
But it's not real "leave" because you can only take the amount of time you have available in sick days.
That's right. Having a baby apparently = having an illness. Not its own separate thing. It's the same thing as having a cold or the flu or emergency surgery.
Speaking of, I had emergency surgery last May. There was a 7 cm cyst growing on my right ovary that started to twist it, leading to immense pain that rendered me unable to stand. The hospital wrote a letter putting me out of work for two weeks, thus using 10 of my sick days, though it's doubtful I needed to use that many. It would have been easy enough for me to sit in a chair and teach.
So there go about eight or so days I really could have used at this point in time.
I have 32.5 days left to use. Divide that by 5 and it's six weeks, not 10-12. 32 days of pay and then I'm out of that. Not to mention out of sick days.
I'm not quite sure how that works out as fair. Again, that's not maternity leave. That's the same as having a procedure done in a hospital and being ordered out. Or having a bad case of the flu or pneumonia and having to stay bed ridden for awhile. None of those, to me, are equal to the painful but joyous occasion of welcoming new life into this world, the necessity to recover from the physical exhaustion of that, and the need to bond with your child.
But hey. What do I know. I'm just a woman who hasn't even given birth yet.
Of course, once you're out of sick days and you return to work, guess what? You have no more sick days for that year. Better hope the students who come to school sick don't breathe on you or sneeze in your general direction. Better pray your newborn doesn't become ill and need someone to stay home with them. Better ask you have the baby with the greatest sleeping habits ever who doesn't keep you up for part of one night crying, resulting in your utter exhaustion the next day, thus necessitating you putting your own life in danger on your drives to and from work.
Interestingly enough, I will have sick days left when I return to work. That's because I was told that I will not have the option of returning to work in September, despite the fact that school starts September 4 and I'm due until the 17. The Powers that Be wouldn't like it if I wanted to come back for the first 10 days of school or so, thus saving myself 10 days to have with my baby after I've given birth. Also, at the beginning of each school year, every teacher is granted 10 new sick days for that year. Since I'm not allowed to start back in September at all, I won't get those 10 days until I return. So there's 10 more days I can't get paid for while on leave. (The flip side of that, as I said, is I'll have 10 sick days to play around with when I do come back, so I guess that's something.)
Of course there is more leave that I can take. I can take 12 weeks of Family Medical Leave (FMLA) at $0. Boy, that's helpful with the mortgage. And, lucky me, I get to keep my benefits while I'm on that. The money teachers in NJ put towards their benefits comes out of their paycheck automatically, but since I won't be receiving a pay check, I'll have to pay out of my $0 for those benefits. Oh joy and rapture.
I know the state gives you back some money while you're on FMLA, provided you fill out the paperwork. I was told something about $650, though I'm unsure if that's the amount I get weekly, biweekly, or monthly. Even at weekly it would be less than half my paycheck. And every new parent definitely needs to be making less than half their salary. Absolutely. That allows familial support to continue in a nonstressful environment.
There's also some money I can get from disability insurance. I have to talk to my insurance guy and figure out how that works.
Because not only is having a baby an illness, it's a disability.
Remember that the next time American preaches its family values at you.
NJ also is famed for its great paternity leave. I believe my husband gets six weeks, but we don't know if he gets partial salary or none, plus that little bit from the state. More research that has to be done.
It's unfathomable that we live in a country that proclaims its own greatness regularly but can't keep up with a lot of the rest of the first world in terms of education, health care, and family support. Obviously it's better than other places, but it's not worth going around screaming about being #1 at this rate.
I'm literally losing sleep over this. I had nightmares about the injustice of maternity leave last night. With controversial issues, I start by getting upset for myself, but I move onto being righteously angry for others it will affect more. Part of me thinks, "Get over it, there's nothing you can do to change it, it is what it is, don't stress about it, move on."
Part of me thinks, "If no one speaks up or takes a stand, nothing will ever change."
I have to find the balance between the two; settle in for the garbage I'm in for, and fight for change in the future.
What are you supposed to say to this? "I mostly feel exactly the same except for the days where my skin feels like it's going to burst because it's stretched to its max"? "I've been having emotional outbursts over things like icing and baseball games, and everyone wants to write it off as hormonal surges, but I know I can be totally irrational when I'm not pregnant, and I'd prefer it if everyone didn't blame my craziness on this, although it might be a result of growing another human"? "I'm still waiting for the burst of energy I read about in the second trimester, but for now I'm taking longer naps than ever cuz I am wiped at the end of the day"?
Of course not. Everyone wants you to give a glowing, winning smile, and say, "I feel great!" Which is pretty much true, it just gets annoying. I don't need special treatment for being pregnant. I promise.
(And I don't need everyone to tell me, "Just enjoy it," either. You want to treat me like I'm special? Cook dinner for me or something useful. Don't give me a simpy look like I'm such a better person now that my body has decided to function (with the assistance of science, don't forget). While this will change my life, if won't make me a better or worse human; it doesn't make those who can't have kids worse, and it doesn't make those who choose not to have kids worse. It doesn't make me special for being part of some mommy club. It's just another step in the human journey.)
By the way, this entry is going to get more political and soap boxy later, so if that's not your cup of tea, you might want to read the next bit about my doctor and bail out when I hit the subject of maternity leave.
Speaking of things I'm feeling, towards the end of week 17, I was sitting on the couch on a Saturday night when I felt something bubbly in my stomach. I thought maybe it was just digestion, but I felt it a fair few times for the next hour or so, which is longer than that feeling would normally go on. Plus it was just slightly different. I knew it was early; according to readings, you're supposed to start feeling your baby between 18-22 weeks, and the later half of that if it's your first pregnancy. I also read the smaller you are, the earlier/more distinctly you might feel your baby, and while I'm not a stick and have always put in effort to keep my weight down, I'm not huge. Plus, there's also that caveat, every pregnancy is different. My friend, who has an almost 2 year old, was over, and when I described what I was feeling, she confirmed, "Yup. That's probably the baby."
I continued to have that feeling for the next couple of days. It hasn't been quite as frequent in the last week or so, but it's coming back. Of course, I'm now in my 20th week, halfway through the pregnancy. (Wow.) So I should be feeling more at this point.
I went to the OB two days after I had the first flutter, and I was still having the feels at that point. Same typical quick visit. When the doctor checked her heartbeat with the doppler, we got it for a second or two before it died away.
"She's moving," the doctor laughed, moving the sensor and picking up the heart beat again. "You'll start to feel that soon."
"Oh, I already have," I told him.
"No," he replied shortly. "You couldn't have. It's too early. It's 18-20 weeks if it's not your first pregnancy, but if it is, it's more like 20-22 weeks."
Well, thank you Mr. Text Book. That's information I wasn't aware of, she said sarcastically. And also, when was the last time you had a baby? When were you a pregnant woman? I understand it's your job to treat pregnant woman (which makes it sound like we have a disease), but I'm willing to bet that you never were one, so telling me what I'm physically feeling is a little insulting.
I know. This is why so many women only have female OBs.
Starting to feel the baby has been the most fun I've had with this, though. I will say that.
I've also started showing, which has been more fun. About two weeks ago, I discovered another pair of pants in the closet that didn't fit, but I secured them with a hair tie, as literally all women I've spoken to who've had kids told me to do. My husband mentioned this to my mom, and that afternoon, she took me out to get some maternity clothes. I am now living in two pairs of pants; one pair of jeans and one pair of black, and several pairs of leggings. I got a few maternity shirts, and I like the way they fit, but I do still wear regular tops, too.
The first day I wore a maternity outfit out, I thought I looked super cute and super preggers. Throughout the day, though, I caught glimpses of myself in windows and decided I wasn't quite as big as I thought, probably still not noticeable if you didn't know me before. I did have one store clerk ask me when I'm due, but I was buying a beautiful necklace that relates to motherhood (pictured here with its meaning and price, so you can all see how crazy I am if you really want to, but I kind of had to have it; not my first piece from this particular designer, and I love how tactile their stuff is) and touching my stomach constantly. And probably talking about being pregnant with my mom.
The next day, I wore an outfit to work, and I was fully expecting the students I have who I haven't told about the pregnancy to start asking about it - but they didn't. In fact, it's a week and a half later, and not only have they not said anything, but I haven't caught any of them giving me the strange "Are you pregnant?" stare, either. I love teaching middle school, but I often forget just how much your world revolves around yourself when you're 13 and how you don't notice changes in others. My coteacher keeps asking me if I'm going to tell the kids, but the ones who don't know yet are the ones I'm not as close with, and I just feel awkward blurting it out out of nowhere. I figure they'll get it at some point.
Besides, if any of them out and out ask me, I can use it as a teachable moment to get on my soap box and preach to them about how you shouldn't ever ask a woman if she's pregnant. I won't rant on that now. I've done that before.
Another question people bombard you with when you're pregnant is some variation of how much time you're taking off from work. Like that's a decision I get to make on my own. I knew it was something I had to discuss with my union to fully understand, and it took two weeks or so to get in touch with the secretary there who deals with this.
And then I was in for some fun surprises.
I won't lie. I've been knowing the good ole' US of A doesn't have the world's greatest policies when it comes to having kids. I've heard about the wonders of how good it is in Europe. I'm married to someone from Great Britain. Last week, my sister and brother in law and two nephews were visiting from overseas. My sister in law told me when she had her 21 year old, the maternity leave policy was 6 weeks. By the time she had her 16 year old, it was up to 12 weeks. These days, people in the UK get a full year of paid maternity leave, as well as a year of unpaid maternity leave.
So all of that was bubbling in the back of my brain as I had a conversation involving the measly six weeks we're "entitled" to in NJ for having a baby.
Let's start with the fact that six weeks of maternity leave is a lie. I can't speak to all employers in NJ. I can't even speak to all school districts. I don't know if this is only where I work or if this is a wider spread problem. But you're "entitled" to up to four weeks of leave before you give work and six weeks after you give birth, eight if you have a C Section.
But it's not real "leave" because you can only take the amount of time you have available in sick days.
That's right. Having a baby apparently = having an illness. Not its own separate thing. It's the same thing as having a cold or the flu or emergency surgery.
Speaking of, I had emergency surgery last May. There was a 7 cm cyst growing on my right ovary that started to twist it, leading to immense pain that rendered me unable to stand. The hospital wrote a letter putting me out of work for two weeks, thus using 10 of my sick days, though it's doubtful I needed to use that many. It would have been easy enough for me to sit in a chair and teach.
So there go about eight or so days I really could have used at this point in time.
I have 32.5 days left to use. Divide that by 5 and it's six weeks, not 10-12. 32 days of pay and then I'm out of that. Not to mention out of sick days.
I'm not quite sure how that works out as fair. Again, that's not maternity leave. That's the same as having a procedure done in a hospital and being ordered out. Or having a bad case of the flu or pneumonia and having to stay bed ridden for awhile. None of those, to me, are equal to the painful but joyous occasion of welcoming new life into this world, the necessity to recover from the physical exhaustion of that, and the need to bond with your child.
But hey. What do I know. I'm just a woman who hasn't even given birth yet.
Of course, once you're out of sick days and you return to work, guess what? You have no more sick days for that year. Better hope the students who come to school sick don't breathe on you or sneeze in your general direction. Better pray your newborn doesn't become ill and need someone to stay home with them. Better ask you have the baby with the greatest sleeping habits ever who doesn't keep you up for part of one night crying, resulting in your utter exhaustion the next day, thus necessitating you putting your own life in danger on your drives to and from work.
Interestingly enough, I will have sick days left when I return to work. That's because I was told that I will not have the option of returning to work in September, despite the fact that school starts September 4 and I'm due until the 17. The Powers that Be wouldn't like it if I wanted to come back for the first 10 days of school or so, thus saving myself 10 days to have with my baby after I've given birth. Also, at the beginning of each school year, every teacher is granted 10 new sick days for that year. Since I'm not allowed to start back in September at all, I won't get those 10 days until I return. So there's 10 more days I can't get paid for while on leave. (The flip side of that, as I said, is I'll have 10 sick days to play around with when I do come back, so I guess that's something.)
Of course there is more leave that I can take. I can take 12 weeks of Family Medical Leave (FMLA) at $0. Boy, that's helpful with the mortgage. And, lucky me, I get to keep my benefits while I'm on that. The money teachers in NJ put towards their benefits comes out of their paycheck automatically, but since I won't be receiving a pay check, I'll have to pay out of my $0 for those benefits. Oh joy and rapture.
I know the state gives you back some money while you're on FMLA, provided you fill out the paperwork. I was told something about $650, though I'm unsure if that's the amount I get weekly, biweekly, or monthly. Even at weekly it would be less than half my paycheck. And every new parent definitely needs to be making less than half their salary. Absolutely. That allows familial support to continue in a nonstressful environment.
There's also some money I can get from disability insurance. I have to talk to my insurance guy and figure out how that works.
Because not only is having a baby an illness, it's a disability.
Remember that the next time American preaches its family values at you.
NJ also is famed for its great paternity leave. I believe my husband gets six weeks, but we don't know if he gets partial salary or none, plus that little bit from the state. More research that has to be done.
It's unfathomable that we live in a country that proclaims its own greatness regularly but can't keep up with a lot of the rest of the first world in terms of education, health care, and family support. Obviously it's better than other places, but it's not worth going around screaming about being #1 at this rate.
I'm literally losing sleep over this. I had nightmares about the injustice of maternity leave last night. With controversial issues, I start by getting upset for myself, but I move onto being righteously angry for others it will affect more. Part of me thinks, "Get over it, there's nothing you can do to change it, it is what it is, don't stress about it, move on."
Part of me thinks, "If no one speaks up or takes a stand, nothing will ever change."
I have to find the balance between the two; settle in for the garbage I'm in for, and fight for change in the future.
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